My Forever
by Nikki-9-Doors
Summary: When Jacob imprinted on Renesmee it was understood that he would love her forever, and that she would love him back. But what if she didn't? And what if the only option left...was fire? Oneshot.


_~~~ Tell me what you think. All opinions welcome, even from anonymous readers._

_Warning: The following oneshot may offend you. If it does, I'm sorry. I don't mean it to, really!_

_(I've had problems with getting readers mad in the past without meaning to. So, honestly, this isn't my intention)_

_Without further ado, the fic! Hope it's not too bad. Enjoy! ~~~_

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If you want to go by the traditional human years, I am seven-and-a-half years old. But traditional human years don't apply to me.

I look about seventeen or eighteen. My hair, a red-brown colour, falls to my waist in a tangle of curls. I'm short - five foot three - and skinny. My eyes are wide and brown, occaisonally taking on the golden glint of the other "vegetarian" vampires around me. Never are they black, and never are they red. So many times I've been told I'm pretty, but that kind of stuff isn't important to me. Not like it is to Rosalie, not like it is to Alice, and not like it is to so many other women.

I don't have as many memories as a typical seventeen year-old does, but I certainly have more than an eight year-old. I can remember nearly everything, starting from the day I was born. And sometimes that's a curse, and sometimes that's a blessing. But either way, I'm stuck with it. One thing you can't erase is your past, no matter how much you want to. Because erasing your past - and your memories - is like erasing yourself. And that's impossible. Because even after death, you still stick around. In photographs, and tears, and in stories told about the past.

And for those who are immortal, erasing yourself is even harder.

Memory is all part of my power; a power I no longer use. That fact upsets my mother greatly. She thinks it's a gift, to be what I am. All she ever wanted was to be part of the Cullens, and in the end, she got her wish. I guess we all want the opposite of what we have, because all I want is to be human. Like she used to be. One-hundred-percent skin, blood, and lungs. I don't get along with my mother anymore, which is why I no longer live at home. I live with Jacob, in a small house on the Quileute reserve.

_Jacob..._

He's driving me crazy. And not just in the head-over-heels, crazy-in-love way, either, but in the actual trip-to-the-insane-asylum way. It's strange to be treated like an adult when I've lived for less than a decade, but what is really strange is having a boyfriend when most people who have lived for as long as I have are only just begining to learn what the word "boyfriend" actually means. However, Jacob isn't just a boyfriend, because eight years ago, he imprinted on me. Everyone who knows about imprinting takes it to mean everlasting love. I used to think that too, except...

Except what if there has been a mistake? What if Jacob only _thought_ he imprinted on me? It's illogical, improbable, but surely that makes more sense than him imprinting on someone who doesn't love him back.

Because I don't. I don't love him. And maybe I could fake it, even if that meant faking it forever (because by the way things are going, it looks like we both may end up living forever). Except that I don't even LIKE Jacob! Not anymore.

Harsh.

But true.

Once upon a time, I did like Jacob. I was so excited that I'd get to spend the rest of my life with him. So, so glad that he only ever had eyes for me. I can't tell you what's changed over the past year or so. Maybe because I've gone from the mentality of a ten year old to a thirteen year old to a seventeen year old so quickly. Maybe people just aren't meant to have only one option, because maybe, in order to find out who you truly love, you have to date more than one person first.

I don't know. I can't explain anything anymore. Seven years and already it feels like I've lived for a hundred. It makes me wonder how they do it - how Carlisle does it, how Esme does it, and how they plan to keep on doing it until the world comes crashing down around them. And maybe even after that, because who knows? Maybe vampires could survive on another planet, or in another universe.

I take a deep breath, a cool wind blows, and strands of my hair fall across my face. I tuck them back and take a deep breath.

I stare into the bonfire I constructed minutes earlier.

Can vampires become depressed? Sure, many humans face depression, but do vampires? More importantly, do hybrids? Am I depressed? Or just feeling immense guilt that I cannot love Jacob the way he loves me? That I cannot kiss him without gagging? That I cannot stay in the same room as him without squeezing a pillow so tight it bursts from my frustration? That I cannot listen to a single thing he has to say without fighting the urge to roll my eyes?

Would I kill myself, just to spare Jacob the pain?

Furthermore, what would bring him more pain? My killing myself, or my rejecting him?

Dad would be pissed off, I know. If I killed myself over Jacob...he would flip out. He never really liked Jacob all that much to begin with. And Mom would be crushed, because I'm her only daughter, and the only one she'll ever have.

But what if I wasn't killing myself over Jacob? Would that change anything? What if I were killing myself...because of myself?

There is someone I love. And he is a werewolf (and he _is_ a he). But he isn't Jacob. Which is wrong, right? If I'm the girl Jacob imprinted on, shouldn't I be loyal to him? Yes...yes. I should. And he deserves the truth, anyway. I should at least tell him...tell him I'm cheating on him with one of his closest friends, one of his own pack.

Seth Clearwater.

He's the werewolf I love. He's the one I want to spend "forever" with. He's the one...

How did it begin, between Seth and I?

I can remember - of course I can remember. There isn't one thing I forget. I can remember the first time we kissed, remember how it feels to have his hands running through my hair...remember how my heart always skips a beat when I see the wolf running through the forest towards me is him. I can remember how I sneek out at night to meet him. I can remember the truly ticked off look on Leah's face when she caught us - it's the reason she hasn't phased in such a long time. Because if she were to, Jacob would read her thoughts. And while she doesn't care too much about whether she outs me (Leah's never been fond of me), she doesn't want to hurt Jacob, and she doesn't want to humiliate her brother.

In the fire, a twig crackles and snaps. The flame is a bright orange flaring up, dancing in front of my eyes, calling to me.

I don't even know if this would work.

To kill a human, it doesn't take much. A bullet. Some poison. One good slash across a vein.

To kill a vampire, it takes a bit more. You have to dismember them, and you have to burn them.

I don't know what it takes to kill a hybrid.

But I'm willing to learn.

I slip off my coat and lay it on the ground. In the pocket are some letters. Three, to be exact. One to my parents (and ultimately, the Cullens), one to Jacob, and one to Seth. Not quite suicide notes, but more a final goodbye in threefold.

Then I hear it. My ears prick up at the sound. Someone coming towards me at record speed, rushing through the forest. My hearing is not amazing, not like the vampires', but definitely above average. Who is coming towards me? Who -

"Nessie!"

_Jacob._

"Wait!"

He knows. Leah must have phased at long last, and he must know about me and Seth. And now he smells the smoke. And now he's going to stop me. And that's NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

I look over my shoulder, and there he is. Not in wolf form, as he must have been up until he was close enough to call out. Human form. Standing there. My Jacob.

I know why I can't love him. How am I expected to love a man who loved my mother?

And I know why I'm killing myself. How am I expected to live life as some strange creature - a hybrid - that doesn't really exist, not even in the horror stories?

"The coat," I call out, softly.

And he's still coming towards me now as fast as he can, but he won't get to me in time, because I step into the fire.

The heat is intense. The pain is wretched. I can feel my life being slowly pulled away. A scream comes out of me without my meaning to. I gasp for air. I'm desperate for a saviour, but I don't want to be save. I want the end. But I don't wan't the pain. I feel arms around me, pulling me out of the flame, a voice... "It's ok. Nessie, you'll be ok. And it's ok. Don't worry about it. I'm not mad..."

_Jacob._

My eyes flutter, try to open, try to confirm. I feel my life, draining, rapidly, not much time left, no thinking, no feeling.

My power - it works, it shows, shows Seth and I, shows me happy, shows how I can never love Jacob...never be with him, never love myself, either - this, my only choice...

Then nothing.

Forever.


End file.
